Marriage: To Be Fully Known and Fully Loved 
Written by Tricia Kane, LCPC, The Healing Place

If someone asked you to define what marriage means to you, could you do it? The word “marriage” means so many different things to us depending on the stage of life that we are in.

After 17 years of marriage and counseling hundreds of couples, I believe God designed marriage to give us intimacy with our soul mate, which ultimately draws us to Him. Intimacy and marriage should be interchangeable words. Being fully known and fully loved are our greatest desires; yet at the same time they are also our greatest fears. One must become extremely open, honest and vulnerable to become fully known and fully loved. This is where I see so many clients falter in their marriages.

Many couples that I counsel come in and are depleted in the area of intimacy. How do couples get to this place? Unfortunately pain, disappointment and hopelessness can drive us to use our position of intimacy against each other. In other words, when we are open, honest and vulnerable with each other, we learn each other’s weaknesses. When enough pain sets in, we begin to use that knowledge to lash out and wound our soul mate.

That is where counseling can really benefit couples. When couples begin to explore and inventory their own hurts and disappointments, healing from the Lord can occur. Once the healing journey begins individually, a couple can start to change their emotional patterns in the marriage.

When couples become aware and equipped with God’s design for marriage, they can begin to cooperate with His blueprint. No matter what family life cycle you are in, it is never too late to begin the process of being fully known and fully loved. The key is establishing the love of God in your marriage atmosphere and the character of God in your words, actions and deeds.

It is important to recognize that lack of intimacy; being fully known and fully loved drives us to addictive and destructive behaviors. Every person on the earth struggles with these behaviors in some form or fashion, whether it is alcohol, drug addiction, or negative thoughts. Over time, these destructive behaviors (sinful patterns) create false belief systems in our minds. These false belief systems create distrust. Distrust is the greatest enemy of intimacy, and intimacy is one of our greatest needs.

Ask the Lord to examine your heart as you explore the intimacy level in your marriage, and remember it is never too late!

“Search me, O God, and know my heart: test me and know my anxious thoughts, See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” Psalm 139:23-24

Need more information?
Contact thehealingplace@crosstimberschurch.org or call 940-240-0029.

Chris Washam, LCSW
Counselor at The Healing Place

Over the years, I have had many moms of small children in my counseling office. I, too, experienced the sleepless, crazy and harried years spent caring for and chasing little ones.

It is always with awe and respect that I visit with a young mom who seems to be at peace with herself, her life, and her children. The reason is, that was not my experience and is not the reality for many other young mothers. Most often, what I have seen during this season of life are mothers who are physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. These women seem to have traded in the identity that once defined their lives for a very different identity that does not always match the expectations they had before they were mothers.

One thing we did not expect is that we would spend a large percentage of our lives running on a tank that hovers right around the empty mark. After having children, especially when they are young, many of us completely forget how to get our tanks filled up – we would not know what to do to help ourselves even if we had time to think about it (which we rarely do).

What we are able to tell others, mostly, is what we would like a break from; what we wish we could NOT have in our lives for just five minutes — a screaming or crying toddler, dirty dishes, dirty diapers, fussy and fighting kids, a pint-sized person tugging at us constantly with his or her needs, wants, questions. But, the problem is that if all of this chaos is our reality for long enough, we forget what to do with ourselves when we do have a rare, quiet moment. When or if that moment comes, a young mom might not remember how she used to get filled up. Sometimes even the things that used to give her joy, contentment, peace do not seem as meaningful as they used to.

There are so many things I wish I had known as a young mom. If only another mom had shared some information from her own experience that could’ve prevented me from losing myself! I could’ve had more joy when pouring myself out for my precious children or my husband.

Since I cannot go back in time and have a do-over, I will have to be content with sharing my thoughts with you. I hope that some of the things I have learned and gained perspective on will make a small difference in the life of another mom who is waking up at 6 a.m. every morning to “mommy, mommy!” and falling into bed at night wondering if she will ever feel rested again in her entire life!

The responsibility of feeling that we, as moms, can make or break the character, the self-esteem, the self-confidence of our children is huge. Sometimes that pressure causes us to try way too hard to be “perfect” at parenting. This way of thinking is, in part, the reason so many of us go from day to day with our emotional and physical tanks so close to empty. Can I let you off the hook? We put pressure on ourselves to answer every question perfectly, respond to every comment with wisdom and use every opportunity to build their self-esteem. Guess what? Sometimes Mommy is tired, sometimes Mommy needs peace and quiet for a few minutes. Sometimes she wants a break from all the chatter. There are a number of reasons it is a good thing to tell your kids “not now”, in response to their questions and requests:

• “Not now” is a life lesson. You are teaching them to wait, which results in patience.
• You are teaching them that you are a person too, and sometimes you will ask for something you want (i.e., a moment of silence), which results in them learning to respect the needs of others.
• Challenging them to not ask another question for 5, 10, 15 minutes teaches them self-control.

While we might believe that we need to respond to everything our kids want from us at the drop of a hat, when doing that, we are really doing them a disservice because we are not allowing them to learn people and life skills that will benefit them for the rest of their lives.

The benefit for mom is that she actually feels the freedom to take back some control over the level of noise and chaos, and she doesn’t feel like a “bad mom” when she doesn’t immediately respond to the requests of her children. Take my word for it. The freedom you can experience when you set these kind of boundaries with your kids is a wonderful thing!